I am sitting in a room filled to the brim with therapists. In front of us is a screen, and we see a middle-aged couple slowly getting more comfortable in their sofa chairs. Their hearts are about to be on display, and they know it. They are a few doors down from us, aware of the camera and the educational component of this session. I too would be nervous if I knew that a wide range of therapists were about to explore the inner workings of my relationship.

In the session, our teacher Kathryn de Bruin graciously guides them through the dynamics of their relationship. Kathryn is an expert in a couples modality called Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). As they describe a recent conflict, she guides them to their feelings to help them understand what they need and long for in the relationship. At this point of their therapy she avoids going into deep emotions with either of them. Her focus is to understand the dynamic between them; the emotions that bounce around in the relationship. She is looking for patterns, and her goal is to help them see and identify their typical pattern in real-time.

What happens before us is beautiful and at times magical, even in their discomfort. Many of us studying the session from afar shed a few tears along the way. Restored connection and people showing up so real always gets to me.

Even if it were very typical relationship matters that came up, sharing it with each other is very delicate. On their way out from the session they accept the invitation to come in to our room and debrief the experience. They get a round of applause as they enter. Several of us raise our hands and share our admiration for their courage to open up so vulnerably, and their dedication to their relationship. They are grateful and deeply touched by the comments. I imagine that having all of what they each said and felt in the session be acceptable to all these professionals is humbling and heart-warming for both of them.

The pattern is the dance, and the emotions are the music that drives it. A pattern may look like this: Beyoncé says ‘I cannot come with you to that event’. Jay-Z then starts to think that Beyoncé doesn’t care, but subconsciously dismisses that interpretation to avoid feeling hurt. Instead Jay-Z says ‘fine’, then proceeds to criticize that Beyoncé ‘is never around’. Beyoncé subconsciously interprets the poke as ‘he is out to get me’ and starts to feel uncomfortable. Instead of stopping the pattern Beyoncé decides that they both need space. Beyoncé then goes into another room, and Jay-Z interprets this as confirmation that Beyoncé really doesn’t care. And so the pattern continues around and around. There may be shades and variations, and usually it intensifies until it finally erupts.

Often the pattern is based around something trivial. In relationships there are no small upsets. Connection is essential for our survival. It doesn’t have to be a major betrayal for an emotional impact on the connection. We may feel upset because we need reassurance that the other is there for us. That we matter. That they care. The closer the relationship, the deeper the tracks of our patterns, and the smaller the upset for it to take effect.

The idea is that when we can identify the pattern we can start to understand how the other feels underneath of their respective interpretations. Then we can interrupt the pattern by speaking to and connecting from a place of understanding what we both need and long for in our hurt or stuckness. The closer we can do this to real-time (in the upset), the more we can minimize the impact of the pattern, and instead (re-)build trust in the relationship. We can allow for communication where both parties feel seen, heard, understood and accepted. We may stop needing to ‘fix the problem’ and instead start to feel connected even in our differences.

EFT is centered around a theory generally credited to John Bowlby [1], called attachment theory. Very briefly, this theory stipulates that one of our most basic human needs is connection. So in those small upsets we are not being dramatic, we are asking ‘are you there?’, ‘do I matter to you?’. Because what we need is reassurance that the connection is safe and solid. Scientifically we know that loneliness is as high risk as cigarette smoking [2]. Without secure and stable connection we tend to lose our sense of meaning, and under extenuating circumstances lose our wanting to live. From that perspective those small upsets are a fight for our survival.

It may sound elusive. What really matters is that it works! When we connect from our hearts instead of our minds, magic starts to happen. When we learn to do that in the context of our lives without the direct aid of a therapist, we are golden. EFT has an astounding 70% success rate [3], and successful couples not only repair but continue to improve their relationship after therapy is completed. Restoration is not determined by the amount of hurt or upset at the start of therapy, but the willingness to step into the discomfort and be vulnerable with each other3. So yes, any relationship can be brought back to love, joy and even romantic bliss when that is what both parties want and they are each willing to do the work.

Footnote: In this case success refers to the couple restoring their romantic relationship. In my personal opinion, successful couples’ therapy does not always lead to restoration. Sometimes the appropriate therapeutic outcome is for the couple to go separate ways. They may for example discover that they don’t want the same kind of life. What becomes important then is that the couple makes this choice from an empowered place. The job of the therapist remains the same, mostly – to facilitate heart-based communication and connection, speaking in needs and longings. The job of the couple changes though, towards redefining what the relationship looks like when romance and sex is no longer a part of it. If desired, it is still possible to care for one another and remain close friends. In most cases it will take time to allow for grief and hurt feelings to heal. When it is ready the connection can be restored to the level they want in their non-romantic state.

[1] Bowlby J. (1969) Attachment and loss: Vol 1: Attachment; AND; Bowlby J. (1988) A secure base. New York: Basic Books

[2] House, James S. (2001) Social Isolation Kills, But How and Why? Psychosomatic Medicine. 63 (2): 273–4.

[3] Wiebe S.A. & Johnsson S.M. (2016) A Review of the Research in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. Family Process 55:390–407