Has your sex life gone from wealth and abundance to insolvency? Has the frequency of coming together slowly declined and you now live in a sexless marriage?

You may have entered the sexual death spiral. Bad sex leads to more bad sex.

Not because you are bad at sex. Often enough, at least one of you has not been thrilled with the experience you have had together. Dr Peggy Kleinplatz, a sexual health researcher at the University of Ottawa, says we can afford sexual duds no more than 15% of the time.

Bad sex starts as mediocre sex, and gradually we lose our sense of excitement and anticipation of what we will experience together. We start going through the motions without being really engaged. We may have sex out of commitment, ‘doing the other a favour’, or to keep the peace.

Bad sex is made of pressure and guilt. That is what drives the spiral. Having sex when one of you is not in a place of feeling sexual desire.

Bad sex leads to resentment, and feeling like we are sacrificing something for the other. We start thinking that we need a break before we can even think about the next time. We may do it to make the nagging for sex stop, or to end the others upset.

Bad sex also leads to feeling rejected and unwanted. It is hard not to take our partner’s lack of desire personally.

Dr Kleinplatz says that the body will not lie. Sexual dysfunctions may emerge, such as not being hard enough or wet enough to sustain thrusting or orgasm.

By this time in the spiral, sexual partners start to experience some form of sexual dread. We start avoiding having sex altogether, to avoid the negative feelings associated with it.

You may have been told by other couples therapists to have sex out of commitment to the relationship. To let the act of having sex together create arousal, desire, connection and emotional intimacy. This can work, if we manage to find meaningful ways of connecting sexually. It can also be harmful if we don’t.

You may have been told that ‘we settle the books in the bedroom’, implying that if one partner is not getting something they want in other parts of the relationship they will ‘revenge’ their partner by ‘withholding sex’. This is a transactional perspective of relationship. Why would we withhold something that is meaningful to us?

If you or your partner is losing desire for sex, perhaps the sexual experiences you are having together is not all that you wish for.

If you want to turn this around, I have some suggestions for you below!

Are you willing to embark on a journey to explore what feels good to you and your partner, and be radically honest about the experience you are having?

Here are a few guideposts along the way:

Start with safety. Everyone needs to feel safe enough to be open and real.
Take intercourse and genital attention off the table. Instead focus on creating positive sensual interactions or emotionally vulnerable experiences together.
If you have not had sex in a long time, take the pressure off. The next time does not have to be everything you wished for. Small steps.
If you are a partner that currently has lower desire, look for moments in your life when you feel alive with anticipation, bodily tingling or you may feel delight at the thought of what might happen next. Non-genital experiences may be important cues to understand yourself as a sexual being.
Embody radical consent. This means that you are constantly listening for whether everyone involved is engaged and wanting more.
Continue to build the kind of safety that creates more and more room to explore and take the risk of stepping outside of your comfort zones.
Pay attention to your internal world and be real about what turns you on/ off, what you want and desire. This vulnerable sharing is at the core of sexual intimacy. It creates sexual tension and excitement. It is an amazing feeling when you start to feel loved and accepted and known exactly as you are, with all your unique quirks and peculiarities.
Be clear about any boundaries that you notice coming up for you. You may need a boundary, a break, or some time for emotional connection, if you notice yourself losing interest or being turned off.
Consider sharing what you fantasize about. We don’t have to act on the fantasies. They can stimulate our mind and get us in the mood. The imagery that comes with fantasies is rich, and it gives our partner insight into us as sexual beings.
Create anticipation by learning what your partner desires, and show them that you want to create that experience for them.
Learn more about radical consent and the art of receiving and giving.

The Sexual Death Spiral